In fashion news, Urban Outfitters has decided to come out with a new line featuring vintage-looking food—which is actually just dangerously spoiled. Products like cheese, milk, meat, and other goods have be specially left out to look and taste like food from the 1970’s and 1980’s

“People like stuff that looks authentically old, so why not extend the trend into food?” said Urban executive, Terry Bathner. “You have to go into the mind of a person who feels like old looking jeans, shirts, and other accessories that everyone has is cool and makes you look like a character in Juno. Sure, our products could just be purchased at Salvation Army or other thrift stores for an eighth of the price, but then people wouldn’t be adhering to the stupidity of our store’s outlook.”

While some Urban executives were worried that people would just purchase fresh food from super markets, those executives were reminded offering lower quality goods for ten times the price has always worked for them.

In business news, General Motors has created an Unemployment Program to help their employees easily assimilate into their new terrible, impoverished lives. While GM has been laying off employees for over a year, this is the first step towards actually helping their employees that will soon learn the definition of “rock bottom.”

“We wanted to help our employees understand the true meaning of being a complete shit bag,” said GM executive Brian Turnings. “Many other companies would just lay their employees off, and give them severance—we’re taking it a step further a providing much more than the money and benefits they’d rather have. If not for our new Unemployment Program, our soon-to-be former employees would never know that eating food out of a garbage would only produce slightly mild cases of bloody diarrhea, or that if they were to pitifully sit long enough in a Starbucks, there’s a good chance they would be given a complimentary cup of coffee. It’s really an invaluable service we’re offering our employees.”

According to sources, even though GM has certainly popularized a post-employment program, they admitted that Merrill Lynch’s lecture on utilizing McDonald’s dollar menu was a big influence.

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