In local news, an office bake sale for "Obesity Awareness" resulted in a very ironic form of education. The bake sale, which took place in offices of Bryant Technologies, was a huge success--selling over 250 pounds of baked goods to workers who hardly get up from their desks or exercise in their free time.

"I think this bake sale has really enlightened us about obesity," said Bob Horner, who personally purchased $80 worth of cupcakes for himself. "Granted, I knew America had a obesity problem, but it wasn't until I personally indulged in 28,000 calories of baked goods that I realized the scale of the issue. I'm just glad we were fortunate enough to have such an eye-opening bake sale."

According to sources, Bryant Technologies has canceled their upcoming "Office Safety Day" due to lack of dangerous machinery rental places in the area.

In health news, a new book has revealed the "horrifying and brutal" practice behind organically grown vegetables. "The Dirt on Organically Grown Vegetables," by Hubert Wrinklesworth, has become an instant best selling book about Wrinklesworth's experience in what he has labeled as "by far the dirtiest sector of the food industry."

"Most people assume that organic equals clean--however, did you know that all organically grown vegetables are grown in mineral-filled dirt?" said Dan Stepler, who recently read the book. "That's right. All those really fresh, great tasting vegetables supposedly grown in a peaceful environment live among worms, insects, and God knows what other completely natural stuff. Also farmers use animal poop to help vegetables grow. Poop, people. Thanks to this book, the truth is finally exposed--I'm never eating organic vegetables again."

According to sources, Wrinklesworth plans to come out with a sequel called "Embracing Anorexia."

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