In national holiday news, the United States plans to institute an official “Take Your Grown, Estranged Off-Spring to Work Day.” Unlike other feel-good, family holidays, this new one will force families to talk about topics such as, “why didn’t we ever celebrate my birthday,” “why didn’t you ever try to find me,” and “did you know how good our relationship was before we drank tequila that night and had unprotected sex.”

“We’re hopeful that the holiday will bring families together—or at the very least, provide a shit load of entertainment for onlookers,” said a White House spokesman. “We feel that there’s no better way to reconcile years of separation like being confined to a tiny office in some shit job that the parent never would have had if he/she finished college and just gotten that abortion.”

According to sources, Hallmark is still uncertain of how to properly commercialize the new holiday, but plans to package nips of Johnnie Walker with its holiday cards.

In international news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has publicly denounced 7/11, claiming that the American mini-mart chain is merely a figment of people’s imaginations, and if it did exist, it would most certainly serve mediocre coffee and stale donuts.

“7/11 is just a capitalist scheme to trick Americans into thinking that there is a place that sells oversized cups full of sugary, slushy drinks at 4 AM when they’re too drunk to even know what they’re doing,” said President Ahmadinejad. “But don’t be fooled, there is no such place. How could there possibly be a store that sells USA Today, hotdogs, and condoms? It’s impossible—but then again, the United States will use anything as a means spread their rhetoric throughout the Middle West.”

According to sources, President Obama plans to create an international educational platform that will provide every woman, man, and child on the planet with their very own cherry Slurpee.

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