"Obesity Awareness" Bake Sale Results in Ironic Education

July 29, 2010
Ben Berkon, Article, Local, Education, Obesity, Fat, Bake Sale, Baked Goods, Cupcakes, Dangerous, Machinery, Safety, Sweets, Technology, IronyIn local news, an office bake sale for "Obesity Awareness" resulted in a very ironic form of education. The bake sale, which took place in offices of Bryant Technologies, was a huge success--selling over 250 pounds of baked goods to workers who hardly get up from their desks or exercise in their free time.

"I think this bake sale has really enlightened us about obesity," said Bob Horner, who personally purchased $80 worth of cupcakes for himself. "Granted, I knew America had a obesity problem, but it wasn't until I personally indulged in 28,000 calories of baked goods that I realized the scale of the issue. I'm just glad we were fortunate enough to have such an eye-opening bake sale."

According to sources, Bryant Technologies has canceled their upcoming "Office Safety Day" due to lack of dangerous machinery rental places in the area.

New Book Reveals "Horrifying and Brutal" Practice Behind Organically Grown Vegetables

July 27, 2010
Ben Berkon, Article, Organic, Vegetables, Meat, Skinny Bitch, Wrinklesworth, Hubert Wrinklesworth, Book, Tell-All, Poop, Manure, Dirt, Fresh, Organic, Worms, Health, Food, Food IndustryIn health news, a new book has revealed the "horrifying and brutal" practice behind organically grown vegetables. "The Dirt on Organically Grown Vegetables," by Hubert Wrinklesworth, has become an instant best selling book about Wrinklesworth's experience in what he has labeled as "by far the dirtiest sector of the food industry."

"Most people assume that organic equals clean--however, did you know that all organically grown vegetables are grown in mineral-filled dirt?" said Dan Stepler, who recently read the book. "That's right. All those really fresh, great tasting vegetables supposedly grown in a peaceful environment live among worms, insects, and God knows what other completely natural stuff. Also farmers use animal poop to help vegetables grow. Poop, people. Thanks to this book, the truth is finally exposed--I'm never eating organic vegetables again."

According to sources, Wrinklesworth plans to come out with a sequel called "Embracing Anorexia."

Removed Laugh Track Version of "The Rush Limbaugh Show" Identifies Unseen, Hate-Filled Side to Program

July 9, 2010
Ben Berkon, Article, Entertainment, Politics, Barack Obama, Obama, President Obama, Rush Limbaugh, The Rush Limbaugh Show, Hardball, Racist, Laugh Track, Radio, Joke, ImmigrationIn entertainment news, a removed laugh track version of "The Rush Limbaugh Show," which circulated on the internet yesterday, has identified an unseen, hate-filled side to the program. While audiences are used to heartily laughing at Limbaugh's blasphemous jokes surrounding Barack Obama, immigration, and Democrats in general, people were dumbfounded by the seemingly new angry, racist angle that is usually masked by rousing laughter.

"My friends and I usually sit around, listening to Rush's show because his jokes are more edgy than any other comedians out there," said 19 year-old, Billy Spaks. "But without the laugh track, I was confused as to whether Rush actually believed that Obama is the 'first president in history [...] who actually wants his nation to fail.' At first I chuckled, but then there was this devilish look in Rush's eyes--like he actually meant it. We didn't really know how to react."

According to sources, reporters are anticipating that Limbaugh's confirmed upcoming press conference will be on the same comedic level as Richard Pryor in his prime.

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