In sports news, semi-retired, fully-erect Tiger Woods has been handed an exclusive contract with Trojan, the popular condom company. While Woods has recently lost lucrative sponsorship agreements with Gillette, GM, and various other “non-sex-with-other-women-condoning-companies,” Trojan executives had no problem with the vilified sex maniac.

“It would be one thing if Woods didn’t use protection,” said Arnold Mahler, a Trojan executive. “But aside from the fact [Woods] cheated on his wife with more women then Delaware’s entire population, he played it safe in the bedroom—something only a true role model would do. If there’s one thing besides golf that Woods is good at, it’s being in the spotlight for his sex life—and we’re going to blow that up as much as possible.”

Trojan plans to feature Woods in print and television ads in the coming weeks. When asked how Trojan would market the publicly panned Woods, Mahler replied, “He may sleep with multiple women, but he only uses one condom.”