In local news, 29 year-old mother Amanda Strauss gave birth to her first $80,000 in college tuition, future divorce, and eventual resentful loneliness. The blindly proud parents were excited to hold the thing that was mistakenly conceived in the first place, and will certainly stand in the way of that trip to Italy they always wanted to take.

“I hear that it doesn’t get much better than this in terms of ruining your life,” said Amanda. “My mother-friends told me that when they begin talking it starts to get interesting. You have to start thinking about nursery school, then elementary school—and the child will probably have some sort of learning problems since Harold [the child’s father] drinks a lot and I take too many painkillers. And the high school teenage years? I hear that’s a doozy. I gave it up when I was 15 to my stepfather. Man, was that a mistake. Do you think she’ll like the name Fanny? It was my great-grandmother’s name.”

“Maybe it’s the low shelf scotch talking, but I’m pretty excited to be a terrible father,” said Harold. “I have all these weird feelings inside me. Not necessary feelings of joy, but something else—I feel like going to a bar, getting hammered, staring into the men’s room mirror for a few hours, and just screaming. Aside from that, it’s pretty cool I made one of these things.”

While the newborn weighed a whopping 12 pounds, it still doesn’t compare to the mental weight of something that will thwart all of your live dreams. According to sources, the parents are already planning to have a second mistake sometime within the next two years—hopefully before the couple’s inevitable restraining order.