In terrorism news, Umar Farouk AbdulMutallab, the 23-year-old Nigerian who failed in his attempt to set off an explosive on a Detroit-bound airplane, has acknowledged his shortcomings as a bomber, and vows—as his New Years resolution—to successfully bomb the United States in the near future. While the AbdulMutallab’s New Years resolution has been seen as a threat by most, intelligence is gathering information about whether the bomber has been true to past New Years resolutions.

“We are only taking his New Years resolution with a grain of salt since [Umar Farouk AbdulMutallab]’s past resolutions of flossing, losing 10 pounds, and being nicer to his younger sister have been unsuccessful,” said counter-terrorism adviser John Brennan. “It would be one thing if in the past, he had in fact stop biting his nails, started drinking diet Coke instead of regular Coke, and showering right after the gym as opposed to sitting around, getting the family sofa filled with sweat—but that’s not the case. Once we find proof that AbdulMutallab has actually followed through on a self-promise in his life, then we will take the necessary forms of action.”

Despite AbdulMutallab’s past resolution failures, Al-Qaeda has publicly applauded their bomber, claiming, “We know that Umar is capable of blowing up an airplane—even if he can’t seem to give up carbs, often disregards brushing his teeth at night, and is still only on page 7 of Catcher in the Rye.”