In sports news, despite recent years of less popular NBA players participating, Vince Carter, Kobe Bryant, and LeBron James have decided to face-off in this year’s All-Star Drunk Contest. While the past Drunk Contests have featured rookies or non-marquee players getting shitfaced in their hotel rooms, local clubs, and in the back of limousines with strippers, Carter, Bryant, and James—arguably the league’s best drinkers—have decided to bring back the Drunk Contest to where it used to be, a respectable event for the league’s biggest drunks.

“I think it would be great to watch the league’s best get fucked up in front of millions of Americans,” said Cleveland Cavaliers center, Shaquille O'Neal. “When I was a young boy, I would always love hearing about how Julius Erving, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and Wilt Chamberlain would get blacked out drunk during the All-Star weekend. No offense to recent Drunk Contest participants, but it just hasn’t been the same. The league needs to bring it back so that all those young kids watching will be able to see the best of the best down an entire bottle of Jack Daniels while vomiting all over themselves.”

NBA Commissioner David Stern hasn’t yet confirmed the inclusion of Carter, Bryant, and James—mostly since he was unaware of such an event ever taking place—but many officials have deemed it as “a minor step in the process of authorizing the major shit show.” According to sources, there is no truth behind the rumors of Carmelo Anthony, Rasheed Wallace, and former NBA-player Bill Walton participating in the less publicized “Dropping Acid Three Point” Contest.