In sports news, executives for the Winter Olympics are already looking ahead to the 2014 games in Sochi, Russia, where they expect to feature more unquestionably lethal events. Due to the attention the Olympics garnered from the death of Georgian athlete Nodar Kumaritashvili, the committee is already thinking of ways to improve the chances of more tragic, media-grabbing deaths.

“The Kumaritashvili death is just a glimpse of the type of exciting entertainment the Winter Olympics could potentially be,” said Olympic board member, Salvador Jabron. “The Luge has been our most dangerous event in the past, but the board is questioning whether the new regulations permit enough deaths to make the Winter Olympics enjoyable. We feel that with the institution of more seal-proof deadly events, viewership will be at an all-time high, advertising space will be in-demand, and it will also hopefully encourage new generations of future, death-bound Olympic athletes.”

The deadly events will include completely new competitive sports like no-hold cliff jumping, human harpooning, free-style drug overdosing, as well as traditional Olympic events—but with the added fatal obstacles like polar bears, high-intensity electric currents, and hidden roof-top snipers to punch up the excitement of the games.