In sports news, after the dramatic overtime loss against Canada in the Winter Olympics, Americans everywhere were relieved to finally return to watching the likes of “The Real Housewives of Orange County,” “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives with Guy Fieri,” and Fox News instead of hockey. Even though for the past few weeks, Americans talked non-stop about “defensive schemes,” “getting a body in the middle,” and of course, “beating the fuck out of those dickless Canuck bastards,” the American nation as a whole is officially no longer consumed with “that gay puck sport.”

“I don’t know what’s gotten into me the past few weeks, but I couldn’t help but go all out for Olympic hockey,” said Dan Schiver, a former USA Hockey fan. “It’s strange because before all this Olympic stuff, I didn’t watch or even like hockey—heck, I even made fun of my one co-worker who actually likes the fag sport. We all did. But ever since USA Hockey was rolling, I’ve been painting my face and body patriotic colors, memorizing player’s stats, and getting recklessly drunk with all my friends before, during, and after the games. It was a lot of fun, and I wish regular hockey was even a fraction as exciting.”

According to the United States Census Bureau, it will not only just take a week for Americans to completely forget about the painful loss, but also to once again ignorantly assume that America is the best in everything.