In religion news, a normal Catholic Church in Ireland has been denounced for reportedly not touching little boys. While the “normal” church has followed the ways of Christ’s teachings and spread the world of the goodness of Christianity, their lack of “stink-fingering” adolescent boys has sent a wave of fury among those in Catholic religious circles all over the world.

“They are an absolute abomination,” said a priest of a proud, abusive Catholic church. “At my church, it is standard procedure to not only mentality debilitate our youths, but to ensure that our daily rapings leaves a deep scar on them for the rest of their lives. Catholicism is a long-living institution—to not play ‘are you nervous’ with pre-pubescent boys is a sin, and probably makes Jesus spin in his grave.”

According to sources, Pope Benedict XVI plans to make an apology on behalf of the Catholic Church in question. The Pope will propose steps the church can take to reverse their progressive and fair approach to children, including a live demonstration of the proper way to “force-kiss the Devil out of pre-teen’s mouths.”