In local terrorism news, the recent Times Square bomber was identified as Steve Rosenbaum, a native New Yorker who was just looking to “clear out some fucking walking space.” Rosenbaum, who unfortunately lives in the area, lamented how sick and tired he was of tourists walking slowly with their heads in the air pointing at the least impressive points of New York, creating logjams by posing next to semi-renown structures, and generally acting like they forgot people actually live in New York.

“Steve [Rosenbaum] just seems like a really disgruntled, yet normal person,” said New York Police Chief, Harold Beimer. “Steve was very honest about his reasons for planting the car bomb in the middle of Times Square, and frankly, I agreed with most of his sentiments. Like for real, do those tourists realize how much of a clusterfuck they make Times Square. Sheesh.”

According to sources, Rosenbaum is expected to get at least three to five years in jail, but will also have a guaranteed job in the New York Department of Tourism upon his release.