In holiday news, upon it turning May 5th, Americans everywhere respectfully acknowledged Mexico's 1862 victory over the French at the Battle of Puebla by getting completely shitfaced. While "Cinco de Mayo" is barely celebrated in Mexico, Americans seriously honor the brave soldiers who risked their lives, by partaking in 2-for-1 rail tequila happy hour specials at bars across the country.

"I love drunko de Mayo," said Michael Stevens, a long-time observer of the holiday. "I've put fifteen Coronas to the dome and ripped like eight shots of Cuervo. Heck I'm not even sure where I am or what I'm supposed to be celebrating--I think it's commemorating the first Taco Bell. I don't care. I'm wasted!"

According to friends of Stevens, he was later seen properly paying homage to the 4,000 outnumbered Mexican soldiers by vomiting his recently consumed Taco Bell all over himself while waiting for a public bus headed in the opposite direction to his house.