In political news, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of instituting a new, controversial "Grenade-Launching Cross Bows" clause in the Second Amendment this week in a 5-to-4 decision. The "District of Columbia v. Wrinklesworth," which started initially as a drunken dare between Hubert Wrinklesworth and a few friends, has now become a full-blown Supreme Court decision, and a prime example of the "dangerous beauty of American democracy."

"I'd like to think that our forefathers would be proud of our decision to allow everyday citizens access to the grenade-launching cross bows they undoubtedly need to protect themselves," said Supreme Court Justice, John G. Roberts Jr. "When we founded this country, Americans had fewer dangers to deal with. Now, people face the likes of terrorism, border-crossing-job-stealers, and super-hot teenage Vampires. I wouldn't be fulfilling my duty as a Supreme Court Justice if I didn't seriously consider the necessity of freely arming citizens with a dual anti-personnel/Medieval warfare weapons. Mark my words, this new clause is just the first of many volatile steps in the excessive armament for Domestic safety."

According to sources, in just two days since the decision, 5,000 Americans have already been "successfully brought to justice."