In NBA news, former Suns forward Amar’e Stoudemire was the first big free agent to sign, agreeing to a deal to ruin his once successful career. While the contact calls for the maximum $99.7 million, no amount of money will ever be worth knowing what a truly fruitful career he could have had over the next five seasons.

“Amar’e is a smart man, and he knew perfectly well prior to signing this deal how quickly his career will go down the shitter,” said agent, Happy Walters. “We had bites from the Lakers, Heat, and other franchises who know how to win and make the most of their stars, but sometimes players don’t see winning or continuing to be a functional professional player as necessities.”

According to sources, Amar’e is already planning an off-season workout that will focus on developing bad chemistry with his teammates and coaches, making outlandish comments during post-game press conferences, and averaging all-time lows statistically.