"I'm looking for an apartment in a currently unsafe area of Brooklyn, but one--that in due time--will be flooded with people who wear brightly colored suspenders. Is there anything like that on the market?"

"Is it ironic that I am only interested in living in the same shitty neighborhoods my grandparents tried to escape from at the turn of the century?...either ironic or maybe some other less flattering adjective."

“You’re going to have to speak up about your symptoms, AC/DC is about to play on my iPod.”

"I'm so sorry I'm late to your birthday, but I saw this huge queue outside a trendy store, so I felt compelled to just stand in it so people could see me and then Tweet about it until I got to the front. I didn't even bother going in."