10/01/09 – Duster, MN: I must have just gotten some dust or dirt stuck in my eye, and I can’t seem to get it out. If anyone out there knows a trick to getting something out of your eye, I will compensate you greatly for the knowledge. One thing to keep in mind is that I do not wear contacts, so I am a little hesitant to stick my finger near or in my eye. Maybe if you can hold me down and force me to do it, I will be able to. I will also compensate you for holding me down. If you’re reading this right now, please sure as I—wait, I think I just got it out! Please disregard this posting.

9/14/09 - Conserve, TX: We here are looking for a man, preferably black, that looks like our, well, the North’s president. Within the next few days, we’ll be protesting something that Obama does, and in order to make a point, we’re going to beat the shit out of our Obama look-a-like. If you’re interested in getting the crap beaten out of you, and you also resemble Barak Obama, please give me a call at 362-637-2727 or shoot me an email at killobama@gmail.com. It’ll be a historic day.

9/01/09 - Snatcher, CO: No, this is not a typical Kirstie Alley flick, this is my big, fat, and potentially-infertile life. My parents want me to have their grandchild, but since I'm a "prude," as my father always says, I haven't found someone to knock me up. So, if there is anyone out there who is willing to rent out their precious little bundle of joy to the former Assistant Floor Manager of Circuit City, email me at ineedababy@gmail.com. Compensation depends on how much the baby resembles my skin tone.

08/29/09 – Slay, NH: I’m not much of a writer, but I am a murderer. I think my most recent murder would make a killer (pun!) novel. I hear that if you’re trying to make it in the world of writing, you have to be willing to do anything to break in. Well, if you think risking your life by spending days and nights with a real murderer is worth the small possibility of fame, then this is your chance. Let me know if you’re interested in writing a true-life story about how a murderer murders everyone he meets.