"Have you signed up for HipPal.com? It's a great social networking tool that links you to other people who hate the same semi-mainstream things for no reason that you do. You better use it before it becomes one of the things people hate."

“You have to be very health-conscious nowadays. For instance, I recently found out the materials used to make my favorite tobacco pipe is made with potentially cancerous substances.”

I guess I’ll just wait a few months to let that rusty-nail inflicted, puss-filled gash heal.

Not if you’re Ron Jeremy.