Something You Should Read

U.S. to Institute “Take Your Grown, Estranged Off-Spring to Work Day”

In national holiday news, the United States plans to institute an official “Take Your Grown, Estranged Off-Spring to Work Day.” Unlike other feel-good, family holidays, this new one will force families to talk about topics such as, “why didn’t we ever celebrate my birthday,” “why didn’t you ever try to find me,” and “did you know how good our relationship was before we drank tequila that night and had unprotected sex.” “We’re hopeful that the holiday will bring families together—or at the very least, provide a shit load of entertainment for onlookers,” said a White House spokesman.

"Energizer Duo software suffers backdoor Trojan bother"

Dr. Diagnosis – Baseless Diagnosis 64

“You only have four to six months to live—but the good news is that at least you know Ali is the new Bachelorette.

President Ahmadinejad: “7/11 Isn’t Real”

In international news, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has publicly denounced 7/11, claiming that the American mini-mart chain is merely a figment of people’s imaginations, and if it did exist, it would most certainly serve mediocre coffee and stale donuts. “7/11 is just a capitalist scheme to trick Americans into thinking that there is a place that sells oversized cups full of sugary, slushy drinks at 4 AM when they’re too drunk to even know what they’re doing,” said President Ahmadinejad. “But don’t be fooled, there is no such place.

Dr. Diagnosis – Baseless Diagnosis 63

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American Idol – a Haiku

I cover my ears, and shake my head—to think I could easily win.

Raft from Dominican Republic Exciting Baseball Scouts

In sports news, the latest Dominican raft to hit the American shores has been exciting baseball scouts like never before. While the shabbily built raft seems to be made out of branches, shoe laces, and possibly even Playdo, scouts seem to be attracted to the raft’s potential. “I haven’t seen a raft like this in at least ten years,” said Buck Tiller, a scout for the Oakland Athletics.

Dr. Diagnosis – Baseless Diagnosis 62

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Stickfigure Relationships - Relationship 63: Predictable

America to Finally Return to Not Liking Hockey

In sports news, after the dramatic overtime loss against Canada in the Winter Olympics, Americans everywhere were relieved to finally return to watching the likes of “The Real Housewives of Orange County,” “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives with Guy Fieri,” and Fox News instead of hockey. Even though for the past few weeks, Americans talked non-stop about “defensive schemes,” “getting a body in the middle,” and of course, “beating the fuck out of those dickless Canuck bastards,” the American nation as a whole is officially no longer consumed with “that gay puck sport.” “I don’t know what’s gotten into me the past few weeks, but I couldn’t help but go all out for Olympic hockey,” said Dan Schiver, a former USA Hockey fan.

Dr. Diagnosis – Baseless Diagnosis 61

“Hello Ms. Baker, I’d like you to undress now so I can give you a check-up. And yes, I realize it’s an unorthodox way to interview for receptionists.

How Does Unemployment Affect You?

Local Man Wonders Whether “End World Hunger” Facebook Group Will Clutter Profile Page

In local news, Dan Copperman, a 27 year-old computer technician, was confronted with a difficult decision Sunday night—whether joining the “End World Hunger” Facebook group would clutter his profile page. While surely Jennifer Gerard, a person Dan worked with at a summer camp 8 years ago and who sent Dan the invite, wouldn’t notice if Dan joined the group or not, Dan was still compelled to at least ponder whether he really wanted to add yet another group to his amounting collection. “Most of the time I just accept the group invite and go on my way,” said Dan, who sat bent over his computer and looked very tired.

Apple Introduces Revolutionary Pad of Paper

In technology news, Apple is set to introduce their latest must-have gadget to the public with their debut of the iPadofPaper. While conventional pads of paper have been around for at least a century or two, Apple is confident that their similar, yet staggeringly more expensive version will certainly redefine people’s definition of pads of paper. “Sure you can go into a stationary store and buy any old pad of paper for around a buck—but why be cheap when you can buy the iPadofPaper for $150,” said Apple CEO, Steve Jobs.

Dr. Diagnosis – Baseless Diagnosis 60

“Do you mind if I keep these latex gloves on? It’s such a waste to throw them out after just one use—and my last patient was only mildly bloody.

Cynical Sally – Miserable Day 53

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MSG - The World's Most Famous Food Additive

Totally Hipster – Fashionably Pointless 13

“I only eat this new ‘Smart Meat.

Winter Olympics to Feature More Unquestionably Lethal Events in 2014

In sports news, executives for the Winter Olympics are already looking ahead to the 2014 games in Sochi, Russia, where they expect to feature more unquestionably lethal events. Due to the attention the Olympics garnered from the death of Georgian athlete Nodar Kumaritashvili, the committee is already thinking of ways to improve the chances of more tragic, media-grabbing deaths. “The Kumaritashvili death is just a glimpse of the type of exciting entertainment the Winter Olympics could potentially be,” said Olympic board member, Salvador Jabron.

Dr. Diagnosis – Baseless Diagnosis 59

“I rarely give that type of advice, but then again, I’m rarely sober when I drive.