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"Obesity Awareness" Bake Sale Results in Ironic Education

In local news, an office bake sale for "Obesity Awareness" resulted in a very ironic form of education. The bake sale, which took place in offices of Bryant Technologies, was a huge success--selling over 250 pounds of baked goods to workers who hardly get up from their desks or exercise in their free time. "I think this bake sale has really enlightened us about obesity," said Bob Horner, who personally purchased $80 worth of cupcakes for himself.

New Book Reveals "Horrifying and Brutal" Practice Behind Organically Grown Vegetables

In health news, a new book has revealed the "horrifying and brutal" practice behind organically grown vegetables. "The Dirt on Organically Grown Vegetables," by Hubert Wrinklesworth, has become an instant best selling book about Wrinklesworth's experience in what he has labeled as "by far the dirtiest sector of the food industry." "Most people assume that organic equals clean--however, did you know that all organically grown vegetables are grown in mineral-filled dirt?" said Dan Stepler, who recently read the book.

Removed Laugh Track Version of "The Rush Limbaugh Show" Identifies Unseen, Hate-Filled Side to Program

In entertainment news, a removed laugh track version of "The Rush Limbaugh Show," which circulated on the internet yesterday, has identified an unseen, hate-filled side to the program. While audiences are used to heartily laughing at Limbaugh's blasphemous jokes surrounding Barack Obama, immigration, and Democrats in general, people were dumbfounded by the seemingly new angry, racist angle that is usually masked by rousing laughter. "My friends and I usually sit around, listening to Rush's show because his jokes are more edgy than any other comedians out there," said 19 year-old, Billy Spaks.

Amar'e Stoudemire Agrees to Deal to Ruin His Career

In NBA news, former Suns forward Amar’e Stoudemire was the first big free agent to sign, agreeing to a deal to ruin his once successful career. While the contact calls for the maximum $99.7 million, no amount of money will ever be worth knowing what a truly fruitful career he could have had over the next five seasons.

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Supreme Court Rules in Favor of Instituting Controversial "Grenade-Launching Cross Bows" Clause in Second Amendment

In political news, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of instituting a new, controversial "Grenade-Launching Cross Bows" clause in the Second Amendment this week in a 5-to-4 decision. The "District of Columbia v. Wrinklesworth," which started initially as a drunken dare between Hubert Wrinklesworth and a few friends, has now become a full-blown Supreme Court decision, and a prime example of the "dangerous beauty of American democracy.

Public Doesn't Seem to Care About Exxon Mobil's Harboring of Human Organs

In health news, despite recent reports that Exxon Mobil has been harboring human organs, the general public doesn’t seem to care at all. While the oil giant has been stealing and re-selling organs to China that could have been savings hundreds of human lives, people seem “pretty chill about it” since it will not have the same ecological affect as, say, an oil spill. “Yeah, I read about [the harboring of human organs], but then again, I didn’t see any pictures of oil-soaked pelicans in the article, so I’m cool with this disaster,” said 29 year-old IT guy, Pete Miles.

New Medical Study Shows That Women Who Drink At Least 2 Glasses of Wine Per Day Are Probably Drunk

In health news, a new medical study shows that women who drink at least 2 glasses of wine per day are probably drunk. The study, which took place at a bar near the Mayo Clinic, sampled 20 women ranging in age from 18 to 65, and resulted in a pretty bomb-ass time. “Granted, most similar studies have to do with how wine prevents cancer or whatever, but we just wanted to observe the tolerance levels of these fine female specimens,” said Dr.

New "Motion-Sensor" Video Game Systems Still Haven't Fixed Glitch Which Prevents Gamers from Going Outdoors

In entertainment news, despite Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft all entering the state-of-the-art world of "motion-sensor" video games, their systems still haven't fixed the glitch which prevents gamers from going outdoors. While there has been much publicity surrounding the systems, which will be in stores anywhere from September to November of this year, many gamers are bummed that their depressing, hermit lives will continue for the foreseeable future. "Granted, now that I won't need to use a controller, I will actually have to stand-up from my couch to play Call of Duty--but I still can't seem to figure out how it will enable me to go outside and be social in real life," said 33 year-old video game enthusiast, Michael Kerry.

An Obituary -- Hubert T. Wrinklesworth

Wrinklesworth, Hubert T. - Born on March 29, 1983, and died June 14, 2010. Hubert was a free spirit who was liked by all.

Totally Hipster – Fashionably Pointless 17

"Is it ironic that I am only interested in living in the same shitty neighborhoods my grandparents tried to escape from at the turn of the century?...

New Sabermetric Statistic Identifies Clear Link Between the Number of Friends a Fantasy Baseball Owner Has to How Often They Use a Sabermetric Statistic in Normal Conversation

In sports news, a new Sabermetric statistic, called NFYUVPS ("No Friends if You Use VORP or PECOTA in a Sentence"), identifies a clear link between the number of friends a fantasy baseball owner has to how often they use a Sabermetric statistic in normal conversation. While previous Sabermetric stats have shed light on a fielder's range, a batter's eye, and even a player's overall value, this new stat really helps hone in on the underlying pathetic nature of the people who most actively use Sabermetrics. "NFYUVPS is really the first indicator that once and for all illustrates the social ineptitude of average fantasy baseball owners who aimlessly throw around Sabermetric terms in everyday conversation," said SABR founder, Bill James.

Television Show Hoping to be Next Unappreciated, Short-Lived Cult Hit

In entertainment news, some seldom viewed, super witty television show is really hoping to be that next unappreciated, short-lived cult hit. The show, which airs on an up-and-coming network and is unfortunately slotted at the same time as that really popular sitcom, truly believes its hilariously flawed and lovable characters, and outlandish yet "so true" plot lines will ultimately woo viewers about 5 years after it's off the air. "Everyone on the team has worked so hard to make this un-Hollywood show into the untapped revolution that it will at some point be seen as by Liberal Arts college students everywhere," said the show's creator, who is considered to be the epitome of a writer's writer.

Jason Donald's Questionable Hit Breaks-Up Umpire Jim Joyce's Perfect Game

In baseball news, Cleveland Indians infielder Jason Donald made history yesterday with a questionable infield single, breaking up what could have been a perfect game by umpire Jim Joyce. While Joyce had called an absolutely perfect game through eight-and-two-thirds innings against the Detroit Tigers--and for the better part of his career for that matter--the lightly hit ball by Donald led to what could have been a pretty standard day in most umpire's lives. "It could have been a perfect game," said the disgruntled Joyce.

Twyla Tharp Creates New "Gettin' Crunk" Broadway Show, Inspired by Lil Jon's Music

In entertainment news, choreography-extraordinaire Twyla Tharp has spearheaded a brand new Broadway show entitled "Gettin' Crunk," which features the music of Lil Jon. While Tharp is known for similar shows with the likes of Billy Joel, Bob Dylan, and most recently, Frank Sinatra, she is hopeful that using "pure shit" as her inspiration will attract hordes of younger generations to Broadway--the very people who have ignored her previous works like the plague. "I'm hardly an expert in dance, but I really enjoyed the 'skeet skeet' set where all the female dancers had foax-semen poured on them," said audience member, Derek Tethers.

Latest Escalated Israeli/Palestinian Drama At Least Creates Vehicle for Seldom-Used Word "Flotilla"

In international news, the report of the latest Israeli/Palestinian skirmish, which has led to escalated tensions in the Middle-East, has at the very least created a vehicle for people to use the seldom-used word "flotilla." Instead of reporters merely alluding to the activist's naval congregation as "a bunch of small ships," they have once again brought to life the Spanish phrase, which dates back thousands of years. However, the severed Israeli/Palestinian relations is just a small piece of the puzzle.

Facebook to Launch New Mandatory Social Security Number Section on Profile

In technology news, Facebook has once again redefined the line of online privacy this week by launching a new mandatory "social security number" section on user's profiles. Users will now be forced to enter in their social security number right between their favorite movies and personal quotes, an addition that has caused quite a stir in the Facebook community. "When I logged in yesterday, Facebook wouldn't let me look at my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend's pictures unless I entered in my social security number first," said 24 year-old, Cindy Ballintine.

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Latest Oil Spill Labeled as "Embarrassingly Amateur"

In environment news, an even newer oil spill has occurred off the Gulf of Mexico, and despite its devastating affects on the wildlife in the area, experts are calling it an "embarrassingly amateur" spill in comparison to BP's earlier this month. The spill, which is laughably 1/4 the size of BP's, had most people mocking how containable it is. "I could make a bigger oil spill with my hands tied behind my back," said environmentalist, Chuck Rennings.