Something You Should Read

Apparently There's Another God Damn JFK Book Coming Out

In historical literature news, apparently there's another God damn book about John F. Kennedy coming out this holiday season. Even though there are over 36,000 books on the beloved, charismatic President who was famously assassinated in 1963 during a motorcade, for whatever reason, some dick-bag author feels inclined to write what so many people have already written.

Steve Jobs to Be Buried in Cheap, Third-Party Casket

In technology news, it has been announced that the late revolutionary innovator Steve Jobs will be buried in a cheap, third-party casket. Despite being a billionaire, Jobs, who was known for not living a lavish lifestyle, made it his dying wish to be encased forever in a supposedly "100% authentic" oak casket. "Steve was never a material person," said new Apple CEO Tim Cook.

Qaddafi Found Playing Dominoes in Washington Heights

In international news, rebels revealed today that the tyrannical Libyan leader, Muammar Qaddafi, has been located on the corner of 170th and St. Nicholas Avenue in New York City. Qaddafi, who disappeared weeks ago, apparently found shelter in a quaint one-bedroom walk-up in the friendly, predominantly Dominican neighborhood.

Michele Bachmann Claims It's Always Been Her Childhood Dream to Become a Terrible President

In political news, GOP presidential candidate and current Tea Party supporter Michele Bachmann recently claimed that it has been her long-standing childhood dream to become a terrible president. Bachmann officially threw her hat into the ring this week, and plans to be vocal about all the God-forsaken political ideas the Minnesota-native created way back when. "While most children played with toys or finger painted, I tried to uncover ways to do away with Social Security, incorporate the teaching of creationism into public school syllabuses, and make sure everyday Americans like you and me remain without health care," said a gleeful Bachmann.

Gadhafi Under Investigation After Using Non-SAG Actor As "Son" Stand-In

In international news, Muammar Gadhafi is under investigation--this time after using non-SAG talent as a stand-in for his "son." While the Libyan leader successfully created a faux target for Western forces to attack, his insistence on not paying "at scale" has SAG up in arms. "In the past, Gadhafi has fueled terrorism and even encouraged rape, but his recent decision to use non-union talent has crossed the line," said SAG executive Tim Williams.

Republicans Claim President Obama's Childhood Library Card is Fake

In political news, upon receiving hard evidence regarding President Obama's birth place, the Republican Party has decided to switch their focus to the validity of Obama's apparent Hawaiian library card. While Obama supporters don't see what all the fuss is about, Republicans are claiming the library card will finally be the missing piece to their on-going, and completely baseless "Obama-is-not-American" saga. "President Obama is trying to fool the public into thinking he's some sort of normal, American kid who went to the library," said Republican Presidential candidate and real estate tycoon Donald Trump.

Boston Red Sox Just Realized It's Not Spring Training

In baseball news, the Boston Red Sox, who started the season 0-6, just realized it's no longer Spring Training. Before yesterday's game against the Yankees, Red Sox manager Terry Francona informed his team that the season started two weeks ago, and that it was no longer acceptable to lose against the likes of the Cleveland Indians. "No wonder people kept looking at me all strange-like when I said, 'I'll start hitting once the season starts,'" said Red Sox outfielder, Carl Crawford.

Pitching-Deprived Yankees Admit to Scouting Rock-Throwing Egyptian Protesters

In international/sports news, the pitching-deprived Yankees have admitted to scouting rock-throwing Egyptian protesters over the past few weeks. The Yankees pursuit of these revolting Egyptians with "explosive arms and beliefs" hit new heights when long-time starting pitcher, Andy Pettitte, decided to retire--leaving the Yankees with a rotation more in disarray than Egypt's government. "I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't seriously consider signing a bunch of angry Egyptians who can effectively throw rocks," said Yankees General Manager, Brian Cashman.

Seemingly Offensive Sculpture Doesn't Nearly Meet Modern Sacrilegious Art Standards

In art news, a seemingly offensive sculpture that was recently featured in MoMA, apparently doesn't nearly meet modern sacrilegious art standards. While the sculpture has prompted some public outcry, the religious world labeled the artwork as "pretty lame." "The sculpture--outrageous in its own right--is universally outdated in terms of meeting our modern, condemnable standards," said Bishop Gertrud Ahern.

Yankees To Use Sack Filled With $24 Million As 4th Starter

In baseball news, the pitching-starved New York Yankees plan to use a sack filled with $24 million as their fourth starter for the upcoming 2011 season. Ever since the 2010 season ended, the Yankees and their fans have been anxiously looking to shell out an obscene amount of money for something to pitch every fifth day--and the Yankees front office thinks this sack will do the trick. "We're not changing our off-season strategy at all, in fact, we're still spending the same amount of money on our rotation we had always planned to use," said a red-eyed Brian Cashman.

Pirates To Sign Some Really Fucking Terrible Player

In baseball news, the Pittsburgh Pirates are about to sign some really fucking terrible player. The player has spent the good majority of his god-forsaken career for a multitude of minor league teams, and was even thought to be dead for the past two years. "We're confident [the player] will fill out that corner of the bench we hope to never go to," said Pirates General Manager, Neal Huntington.

Yankees Leaning More Towards Mafia Hit Than Giving Derek Jeter His Asking Price

In baseball news, the New York Yankees seem to be leaning more towards putting a Mafia hit on Derek Jeter rather than succumbing to his lofty contract demands. Even though Jeter has starred and been the face of the Yankees since 1996, his declining play and insistence on top dollar has forced Yankees General Manager, Brian Cashman to seek "alternative means." "Oh, Derek [Jeter] will certainly get what he deserves," said Brian Cashman with a wry smile.

College Students Honestly Confused About How to Get Completely Shit-Faced Without Four Loko

In beverage news, with Four Loko being banned in cities and states across the nation, college students everywhere were baffled about how to get completely shit-faced without it. Four Loko, which contains 12% alcohol and various forms of high-caffeine supplements, has provided an easy path to "blacking out"--an event that once took a honest night of binge drinking and dabbling in various life-threatening drugs. "When I couldn't buy any Four Loko last night, I didn't know how to get blitzed out of my fucking mind," said a sophomore at the University of Tennessee.

Recently Injured NFL Player Endures Pretty Wimpy Paralysis

In NFL news, yet another football player endured a career-threatening injury this past week, but it was labeled as a "pretty wimpy paralysis" since the play itself seemed too unexciting to really do much damage to anyone. While the player lay motionless on the field, team doctors took their sweet time to attend to him, mostly because of how shocking it was that the player got injured to begin with. "It just sort of looked as though the defender fell on him, so I decided to finish my cigarette before seeing if the C1 - C7 levels of the spine were affected," said the team doctor.

Mitch McConnell Confident His "Slutty Senate Minority Leader" Halloween Outfit Will Not Deter Voters

In political news, Mitch McConnell is still confident the Republicans will take the majority in the Senate despite the "Slutty Senate Minority Leader" outfit he donned on Halloween. Considering the fate of any future legislation will be decided within the next few days, McConnell felt no need to "keep his costume creativity in the closet." "The last thing on voters minds come tomorrow will be how much leg and cleavage I was showing last night during my Halloween festivities," said Senator McConnell.

New York Mets to Hire An Old Shoe As Their Manager

In baseball news, the New York Mets have settled their vacant manager position by hiring an old shoe. Despite the availability of many other candidates that would certainly excite the fan base and players, the Mets decided to go with an old shoe since it is a safe, and of course, comfortable fit. "We need a veteran presence in that dugout," said Fred Wilpon, the Mets owner.

Local Man to Pretend He Knew All About Apparent Legendary Celebrity Who Just Died

In local news, Darren Livingport will now pretend to be an expert about that apparent legendary celebrity who just died. Even though Livingport considers himself to be a pretty big movie buff, he was completely unaware of the fact that this dead guy supposedly produced over a hundred Hollywood staples. "Did you know that this guy had a three year affair with Marilyn Monroe back in the late 1950's?" Livingport exclaimed as he excitedly scrolled down the now dead man's Wikipedia page.

Totally Hipster – Fashionably Pointless 18

"I'm looking for an apartment in a currently unsafe area of Brooklyn, but one--that in due time--will be flooded with people who wear brightly colored suspenders.

Local Man Still Remembers You Owe Him $10

In local news, Stan Garrity, that guy you split a taxi cab with like 3 months ago, still remembers that you owe him $10. Even though both of you were hammered, and seemingly enough time has passed to give off the illusion that the money owed is passe, you're pretty sure he's still holding you to it. "When I saw Stan last night at the bar, I had a feeling he remembered that $10 I technically owe him from 3 months ago," you said.

New FlashForward DVD Set Comes with Blackout Feature So Viewers Won't Remember How Terrible Series Was

In entertainment news, the new FlashForward DVD set, which was originally released August 31st, will now come standard with a "blackout" feature so viewers won't remember how terrible the series was after watching it. ABC felt the new feature was necessary since watching just a minute of the series is privy to unintended laughter, an abundance of "I mean, really?" and even disposing the DVD set in a nearby garbage receptacle. "A lot of viewers were complaining about the lack of replay value and even how there was more than one episode," said ABC executive, Mark Harison.